Personal Grooming
by kyokoaurora
Summary: Yoruichi has a hairy problem...how can Kisuke help?


Personal Grooming

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Disclaimer: Me no own Bleach, you no poke fun, understand?

This is gonna seem very weird, because it is. Hope she's not OOC, I've only seen the first season.

'_Finally, home at last !'_ Yoruichi thought gratefully as she spied the familiar façade of the Urahara Shop. She sniffed he air. The scent of warm milk heating reached her even from here. They knew she was coming it would seem.

'_Yep, time for a nice drink and a long na_-YORUICHI!!!" The cry blasted through the air like gunshot, causing the midnight feline to let out a yowl and instinctively tear up a tree in terror. After a few seconds of digging her claws into the branches produced nothing but a vague and stupid feeling, Yoruichi opened her scrunched eyelids to peer at her surroundings.

This time, she knew before he even opened his mouth. She whirled around, eyes blazing and walloped the holler happy bimbo upside the head, before he could utter a syllable. He careened out of the tree, wailing as he fell and crunched onto the parched dirt below.

His ex-victim leapt gracefully down from the branch and observed him placidly while also daintily washing a paw. "That's what you get for trying to outsmart a cat" she said primly before stalking off toward the food source and leaving Kisuke to pick himself up.

Some time late, a fed and sated Yoruichi laid on her futon, sighing contentedly. She yawned, and reached up to smother it and let her other unattended hand trail lazily down her bent leg. She stiffened, and stopped mid-yawn with a frozen expression, her now horrified gaze falling to her legs.

It had happened, the horrible, the unthinkable, the…_time to shave_.

Now at this point, I'm sure that most of you are thinking "Eh? WTF?" Well if you are, and I would consider you a fair psycho if this seems normal to you, there was a very simple explanation…

Three days later: Huh, what? So sorry I must have dozed off. Anyway the explanation to this conundrum, as I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats is…_Yoruichi hates shaving her legs!_

Yoruichi moaned and flopped back on the bed. _'I should have known that this was coming, oh yes'_ You see, as she remained in feline form for most of the time, whatever hormone affecting hair growth got messed up and made it so that she shed instead of growing unsightly hair on her human body . But every once in a century or so, the reverse happened, meaning that she did the mortal thing and went hairy.

'_Better face the music'_ she thought apprehensively _'or in this case, the razor'_.

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Several failed strokes later, Yoruichi fell back, exhausted. _'Nope, no good, the Goddess of Flash has been defeated by the cunning simplicity of the modern razor, how pathetic' _She eyed the blade fiercely, it just lay there, discarded in a fit of frustration.

The door swung open without warning, revealing a grinning Kisuke. "Yoruichi-saaaaaaaan!" he trilled happily before he was unceremoniously cut off by a pillow to the face.

"Ever heard of knocking!?!?" Yoruichi yelled furiously, yanking the sheet over her exposed legs. Kisuke was puzzled now as well as sore, she had hardly been the most modest of woman up to then, why start now? And then he remembered and the roadkiller grin returned full force.

He remembered a time a few centuries ago when she had acted the very same way. After much indecent and likely illegal peeking, he had deduced the reason for it. An intense and irrational dislike of shaving herself. He nearly laughed himself into an illness, and then into a coma when she lashed out in fury. Man, he hadn't been able to sit for _weeks_ after that…

She had eventually emerged clean-shaven, so to speak. Kisuke suspected that Soifon or someone else had done it for her in the end. But Soifon wasn't here now…and he _was_.

Clapping his hands together gleefully, he said "So you wanna like help with that hairy problem then?" WHAM!

"Perv!" Maybe she gets mood swings with them too he thought dizzily, watching the pretty lights spin around. When he came to, Yoruichi was still glaring sulkily at him, legs sharply crossed.

Wondering how many limbs he would leave the room with, he chanced his luck again. "I'm the only one here…" he cooed persuasively, watching closely as her sulky glare turned into an ambivalent frown.

'_Maybe I should let him…I really don't wanna do it myself'_She made a snap decision, hoping she wouldn't regret it later. "Alright you can do it!" she said quickly, before her brain had time to convince her otherwise.

Kisuke's face lit up like Christmas in Tokyo, and he restrained himself from whooping lest he get kicked again. He scrambled up and sat beside her, picking up the blade and looking at it, tut tutting all the while. "What?" she hissed eventually, annoyed with the drama queens antics. "We may be centuries old my dear Yoruichi, but that's no reason to act our age!" he cried before leaping up and rushing out the door.

Yoruichi was, for once in her life, completely at sea, as in lost. But she had little time to ponder as Kisuke came barrelling back in waving something so fast that its identity was indiscernible.

"Waxing strips!" he cried triumphantly. Yoruichi was in shock _'how many other women stay here?'_ "So, those belong to a woman…right?" she asked cautiously, with Kisuke you could never be too careful.

"Of course not! They belong to me! Wanna know where I use them?"

"NO! Hell no!" she shouted, waving wildly with both arms.

"Alright then, now let's get started!" Quicker than flashstep, he ripped open a pink foil package, slapped the strip onto one dark leg and tore it off. "AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled in agony. But he didn't give her time to recover, and did the rest of her while she was still dazed.

"Ow…" Yoruichi moaned "that hurt…" She realised he had stopped and looked down to be confronted with smooth, bare legs "Whoa, done already?" she murmured.

"Yep" Kisuke said. He gazed longingly at her new legs and his gaze travelled upwards. "How do feel about having a Brazilian?" he queried lecherously. To his surprise she leant forward and kissed him aggressively before murmuring "Sure, and maybe I want to know where you use these things after all, and maybe test them out on you myself" she whispered sexily in his ear.

He nodded and flung off his clothes which were joined by her scanty robe a few seconds later.

For the rest of the night, all that could were ear-splitting screams of passion and pain

The End

Well that's all folks! I hope this is funny to you guys too…tell me! Review! I can see the hits and lack of reviews makes me said. Just give me a word even!


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